Let go of the banana

 

On the one year anniversary of my wife's death, I took her photographs off the shelf and put them into storage.  Thirty years of memories in a box.  One day, when I am ready I will let go of the box.  But for now it was enough to remove them from daily view.  Why?  Because I cannot bring her back.  Her photos are a painful yet fantastic reminders of a life lived.  A wonderful life, beautiful marriage and the best friend I have ever had.  As long as I am attached to those photos I will be unable to heal.  She is dead.  I also took her remains and send them to Minnesota to be conjoined with relatives she loved and adored.  All of her remains.  I did not keep any for myself.  Because even though she was a wonderful person and wife, her remains are just ashes.  I needed to let-go.  To become unattached to those things that were such a important part of my life, of our lives and love together.  It is time to move-on.

Aparigraha is the fifth yama in yogic teaching.  It compels me to let go of things, emotions and people.  Aparigraha is one of the most important of the yamas because it represents freedom.  To release myself from the things and connections that entrap me, that keep me from living a fulfilled life full of potential.  In the book "Yamas and Niyamas" Deborah Adele describes an ancient Indian process for capturing monkeys.  The captors place cages in the jungle with a banana inside.  The bars of the cage are spaced allowing a monkey's hand to fit between them, but close enough so the banana cannot be removed.  Monkeys stumble along the cage, place their hands inside and grab hold of the banana.  They struggle to remove the banana from the cage as their captors swoop in and take the monkey and place it in the cage.  The monkey is free to flee if it would just let go of the banana.  Like these monkeys I am captured by stuff, people, thoughts and emotions. These are my metaphorical bananas.  I hold on to things because of this sense of scarcity.  Holding on to my banana is a survival instinct.  Because before there was Walmart or Amazon, my ancestors had to hunt and gather.  Food and shelter was scarce so as humans they learned to store up.  In modern times everything is plentiful but still I hoard.  I witnessed this behavior during the COVID pandemic.  I scoured the stores for things that were scarce.  Any kind of soap or cleaner, toilet paper, masks, etc.  When I found them, I bought as much as I could.  Scarcity brought back my primal instincts of survival.  What will the history books say in the future about human behavior when it notes the primary thing scarce on store shelves was toilet paper.  I laugh when I think about this.

When my daughter died in February 2023 there was a memorial service in Minnesota.  I prepared my speech, and my heart.  I meditated on the words and the associated feelings so I could detach myself from the emotions of saying goodbye to her.  To be the witness and not the doer.  Because my words were powerful and important for my grandkids to begin healing.  I knew I would see my first wife who I was divorced from 45 years ago.  The circumstances surrounding our marriage were filled with infidelity and lies.  I needed to let go of the hurt she caused me.  I decided to forgive her.  It was one of the most powerful things I have ever done in my life.  I felt such a relief by letting go of that emotional baggage.  Aparigraha and a beautiful friend compelled me to forgive and let go.  

In October 2022 when I moved from my desert home to my mountain home, I took only those things that would fit on a 20 foot trailer.  Mostly tools I have had all my life and a few personal items.  But almost everything stayed behind for an upcoming estate sale.  I remember the lady who held the sale sent me photos of the items as they were displayed.  I should not have looked at these images.  It was painful to realize that 30 years of accumulation was gone in a weekend.  Most painful was seeing my wife's wedding dress on display for sale.  I saw the dress in the photo, cried, felt the painful loss then let it go.  I let go of the dress as well as the emotion.  Because why do I need a wedding dress?  My wife is dead.  It is time to move on.

I am moving forward to a calling.  To some sort of role where I will make an difference for a person, group or maybe just a dog.  I don't know what that is.  But I believe it is powerful, impactful and important.  The only thing I know it it will be thousands of miles from here in Mexico.  I must leave behind a house, belongings, friends and the associated thoughts and emotions.  Clinging to these people and things are like holding on to the banana.  

I must let go of the banana and let God do his work in me.

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