Ahimsa - Non-violence
Most people think of violence in the usual forms such as fighting, gun violence and killing. Although these are valid and obvious forms of violence, Ahimsa has appeared in my life in unexpected ways.
I remember as a young boy I was picked on frequently. I was shy. Those who would exploit me picked up on my energy as a weakness. I was bullied, hit, pushed around and made to feel like a piece of dirt. This trained me to understand that violence is an acceptable part of life. That treating others badly is acceptable and normal. If you know me now you might be shocked by what I am about to write. I was mean to my family, I acted-out, I said hostile things. I said things in my life I can never retract. Not only as a child, but also in the workplace and sadly in my marriage. Now at this point you might want to say to me that this is normal and we all say horrible things. But I now realize how wrong I was to act this way. I never should have allowed the way others treated me to impact those I care about and love. I have forgiven myself for my foolish pride and am working on never uttering a painful word or act again. Because you cannot truly love another person until you learn to love yourself. Forgiving myself starts the process.
Ahimsa shows-up in more subtle ways. When I offer to help I am sometimes performing an act of violence against another person. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”. I have spent my life giving away fish when I should instead be teaching how to fish. It's nice to get free fish, but this is a disservice to the receiver. In a way it is an act of violence against the other person. Don't get me wrong, giving a well intended gift is a thoughtful act of friendship. But rescuing somebody from a bad situation or taking care of a problem is not helping them at all. In fact, it hurts them. It might take care of the problem, but taking charge and "making it happen" is not beneficial at all. It causes the recipient to be dependent on me. In a way I tend to give out crutches rather than offering my shoulder to lean on.
In my healing I have learned that it is not useful to ask why. Although this is the first question I ask myself when exploring my motivations. There are plenty of answers to the question of why I rescue and unintentionally hurt people. I would like to think it is because I care about them, but upon further thought, Ahimsa tells me I am in fact saying to them, "you are not capable of doing this yourself so I have to do it for you". I have been unintentionally mean by rescuing plenty of people. I have forgiven myself. If you are one of my victims and find it in your heart to forgive me, I thank you.
So to my friends and loved ones, if you discover me backing off a bit, recognize it as my desire to practice Ahimsa. That does not mean you should not ask me for help, I love to help, but I promise to do it in a way that keeps you in charge of the problem and solution.
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